'til girdle do us part

OK girls, it's that time of the year again...Wedding Season!!!!!  Time to dust off those girdles and pull out your dancing shoes. 

Did she just say girdle?  Yes, yes I did.  Do you prefer Spanx?  Or perhaps really uncomfortable form of birth control?  Laugh!  You know what I'm talking about.  Keep laughing because you just realized how true it is.

Aside from the shoes and spandex harnesses, it also mean its time to put your best magnetic strip forward.  And its not necessarily the dresses and gifts that cost so much but the meticulous grooming we require of ourselves.  Hence, we pull out the Am-Ex we've ever so cleverly tucked away and spend every last lunch break running errands to get ready for the "Big Day" that isn't even our "Big Day". 

I don't know about you, but I have a full on schedule when it comes to these events.  And I seem to put more effort into being a guest at a wedding then I did getting ready for my own wedding!  Here is a sample of how I think a normal prep-week should go:

• Sunday - Monday: Find your dress!  Geez, you are giving me anxiety already.  Low & Behold it require alterations.  If you are overdue for a hair appointment get it done...NOW!
• Tuesday: Find the right accessories and shoes to compliment your dress.
• Wednesday: Try it all on and locate the best girdle (I just like saying this word because it makes John Eric laugh).  The masses tell me we aren't using the term girdle any longer...we call them Spanx...I refuse to conform.  I like to tell John Eric "If you are from Mullins you were raised in a girdle, whether a size 2 or size 20."  Now every time I wear a dress he says, "Got your girdle on?"  But we aren't the only ones.  Just Google Celebrity Spanx Malfunctions and see all the skinny starlets accidentally exposing their secret shape wear.  Man this makes me feel better about myself.
• Thursday & Friday: Make sure what will be seen is in tip top shape.  By that I mean pedicure & manicure, waxing, facial mask (my must have), exfoliate exfoliate exfoliate (use gloves & my fave body wash), get a light Snooki spray tan, take a diuretic (am I going overboard now?), etc.
• Everyday: denying yourself of any food that may possibly have more than 100 calories, extra leg and arm exercises, amping up your nightly skin care routine, teeth whitening, and so forth. 

This may seem a bit overboard, but I think some would argue that it is "underboard" compared to their normal regimen.  Like I always say, I know I am not the only one out there.  I have a friend who claims to wear 1 girdle to normal events and 2 girdles to weddings.  I would pay to see what kind of jumping and pulling goes on when she's getting ready.  I would also pay to see how she uses the restroom.  Even I don't have a large enough imagination to dream up that one.

I have also yet to dream up an answer as to why we go above and beyond to look our best for a big day that doesn't belong to us.  Two hours into the night we're barefoot, cuttin' a rug, mascara smeared as far as our temples, and dumping the Spanx in bathroom trashcan.  But hey, at least we know we tried and hopefully snapped a picture before being introduced to the open bar.

Happy Wedding Season!



Keep your kankles to yourself

In case you didn't know, I LIVE for Wednesday nights!!  I don't know what excites me more - Cam from Modern Family, willingly sharing the couch & remote with my hubby, or pampering myself with an at-home pedicure.  Ok, I’ll admit it; Cam is what excites me the most!  Cause we all know I’ll have the at-salon pedicure, please.   Love the pedicure too, but hate the price?  Me too, so I lie, I'll do mine at home. 

Over the weeks I have shockingly discovered that these pedicure specialists have been holding out on us and I mean big time.  While thumbing through your Glamour magazine, how many times have you wondered: A) Are they talking about my kankles? B) Can I do this at home?  C) Does it hurt everyone’s abs to hold their foot up this long?  Answers: yes, yes, and I really hope I’m not the only one out there.  Stop the Presses! Yes I said Yes to A.  They really are talking about you…to their neighbor…in a different language.  I know we all try to convince ourselves that no, they aren't talking my kankles; they are talking about Charlie Sheen.   Nope...Sorry Ladies.  Don't believe me?  Go ask "John" (the little one with the glasses) at Season Nails on Rosewood in Columbia, SC.  He actually laughed when I asked.  Shrugged his shoulders.  Then let me in on the conversation about the lady across the room.  He also laughed really hard when I told him what kankles are.  Bastard.  I knew he thought that all along.