Your tonsils are showing

I understand that I have been MIA and my avid followers (by followers, I mean like 3 of you sweet people trying to make me feel nice) are a bit upset by this.  However, I am American, so of course I have an excuse.

Unfortunately my Granddaddy Hog (aka Dick White) passed away Monday morning (3/14/11).  Stop right there & don’t even think about closing your browser!  I promise you that this will not be your typical tribute you read in the papers.  Hell, even Granddaddy’s obit wasn’t even typical…the entire thing was basically a family tree and half the names were the same!  He leaves behind a brother, 4 children, 8 grandchildren, & 1 great-grand…see what I’m saying?  After that, there wasn’t much room left to even begin to describe the kind of person he was.  It probably wouldn’t have been appropriate either.  If you had the pleasure of meeting him, you know what I mean.  If you didn’t, allow me to explain…

In 2006 Rivers and Michaux were graduating from High School & Grandaddy planned to catch a ride with Whitney from Sumter to Mullins.  Whitney was running late so by the time she got there he was antsy and aggravated to say the least.  As soon as they pulled out of his driveway, he started with his “short cut” directions as usual.  Whitney was also aggravated and wasn’t in the mood to entertain him and proceeded to follow the normal route.  They argued for the next 15 minutes on how to get there and how she didn’t listen and she was “just like a woman” etc.  Whitney finally blew her lid and yelled “Damnit, just shut up!!!!”  He said, “Ok then” and did not speak a word.  After 30 minutes of silence Whitney finally broken into tears.  He still sat there stubbornly.  Whitney has never been at a loss for words so she just babbled out “I’m sorry I was late but I’ve gotten fat and I can’t find anything to wear”.  He turned, looked at her, and said “You know how you got there and you know how to get back.”

Needless to say, he’s always been obsessed with weight.  Every time I (or anyone for that matter) see him he shakes my hand and takes a step back to analyze my eating habits since our last encounter.  Every now and then he’ll say “let me guess”.  I finally looked at him this time and said, “Have at it, you can’t tell how much I weigh.”  He looked at me, raised an eyebrow, and said “I most certainly can tell how much you weigh.  I can tell how much a hog weighs…you aren’t any different.”

Ok, one more weight obsession story…this one cracks me up.  The Sunday after my wedding everyone drug themselves out of the hotel and headed to Mama & Jimmy’s spot on the river.  Rivers and our cousin Taylor had stayed there that night and were just rolling out of bed when Grandaddy walked in.  He entered the house and walked straight up to Taylor, who he hasn’t seen in years and wouldn’t remember him anyways, and says (no hello, no how are you, no kiss my rear, but…) “230?”  Taylor giggled and replied “No, 240.” 

As the years went by, the stories got better.  I guess I was finally getting old enough to pay attention to the things he said.  Or it could have been the dementia intensifying his personality.  Well, probably not, he’s always said what he thought and had a quick wit.  Last summer we were all in Mullins for a weekend to hang out and go to a Pig Pickin’ at Ben’s house.  Us Mullins folk travel in herds so there are always about 20 people at any given house just hanging out.  Friday night we were at Mama’s just telling stories and drinking beer.  Jessica (early 20’s) snuggled in on the couch next to the infamous Granddaddy Hog.  She referred to him as Granddaddy Dick.  After laughing and cutting up with him she told him she could come and get him in the morning and carry him over to Ben’s for the Pig Pickin’.  “What time do you want me to come get you, Granddaddy Dick?”  He scanned the room for a minute and replied “What’s wrong with right now?”

Jessica wasn’t the only girl he hit on that weekend.  Saturday came around and everyone had gathered out on Ben’s pier.  Mama was introducing Hog to some people and motioned to Sloan.  “Daddy this is Sloan, she used to stay with you when she was younger.”  It didn’t take two seconds for him to reply, “We can try that again tonight!”  The entire pier erupted into laughter.

I will let that be the last of many, many hilarious stories.  There are some even funnier than that, but I hesitate to share for fear of offending any potential readers. Words can’t describe the kind of man he was and the stories don’t even give you a fourth of who he was or his personality.  They are just some of my favorites that bring a smile to my face when I share them.  He will be greatly missed by many, but his stories will live on as well as his many coin phrases…

 “Close your legs Rock, your tonsils are showing.”

“Hold it in the Road” or “Hold it to the Left”

“Be quiet.  It’s irrelevant to talk in the swamp.”

“Hush!  You might see something.”

“You never know what’s going on in a man’s head, even when he’s talking to you.”

“Want me to show you how a cow eats corn?”

“I know what I’m talking about.”

“Look over yonder – see that stand of pines?  That’s a high ridge.”

“What do you say, Rock?”

“Do what’s right”

“You hear me?”

“Mess with the bull you get the horn”

“Go ahead, Gourd Head”

“Look at the sky, not a cloud in it”

“Look at that heifer”

“I told you I knew”

“You know what I like about you?  Nothin’.”

Well, I am here  in Cherry Grove at "No S" with my friends and I can't think of a closing paragraph while I have all these crazy women around me talking and listening to "Jesse's Girl" while drinking Bud Light Limes.  So that it is all.  I hope I did him some justice cause I love him.